Empathy matters: Talking with a loved one about cancer

Discovering that a loved one has cancer can be overwhelming and scary; and in our efforts to be supportive, we often resort to positivity. But sometimes excessive positivity, also known as “toxic positivity,” can do more harm than good.

"Have you ever told someone you were experiencing something hard, and their response was, 'Look for the silver lining,' 'Try to be positive,' or ‘Look at the bright side'? How did that feel? Usually not good!," explains Maxine Jean-Louis, a licensed clinical social worker specializing in cancer care at Sentara RMH Hahn Cancer Center.

Jean-Louis explains that while positivity and gratitude can be beneficial and helpful in changing perspectives, they can become toxic if overused, denying individuals the space to acknowledge their complicated feelings. “I see this a lot with cancer patients who may feel like if they admit what they’re going through can be awful or scary; then it will impact their outcomes. Or that somehow it means they have failed. This is simply not true," Jean-Louis adds.

Acknowledging the reality of a cancer diagnosis and allowing space for difficult emotions is crucial in supporting cancer patients. Instead of dismissing their feelings with phrases like "look on the bright side," Jean-Louis suggests validating their experiences and emotions.

“Feeling scared, angry, nervous, anxious, sad, or resentful is natural. Whatever emotions arise, it's okay to acknowledge them. Additionally, grief is intertwined in this journey, irrespective of the stage. There's a mourning for the life once lived, whether it's a loss of physical mobility, changes in relationships, or other aspects. Creating space to honor that grief is essential, allowing individuals to name and embrace those feelings, validating their experiences," shares Jean-Louis.

Jean-Louis offers three ways to talk with someone who has cancer:

1. Validate their feelings and avoid toxic positivity: Simply acknowledging their genuine emotion without trying to change how the patient feels can be powerful and supportive. "It's crucial to normalize the range of emotions a cancer patient may experience," Jean-Louis emphasizes. "Acknowledging their struggles with phrases like 'That sounds tough' or ‘I’m really sorry you’re going through this,’ can be more helpful and supportive.” While positivity can be helpful, don’t dismiss emotions with overly optimistic statements or cliches and platitudes. Toxic positivity can make people feel ashamed of having difficult feelings. “We are conditioned to look for the silver lining,” says Jean-Louis. “But instead of being unnaturally positive, it’s okay to acknowledge that this person has cancer, and they are likely struggling. They’re going to be upset at times. Be present and avoid being judgmental about how they’re feeling.”
   
   
2. Ask for permission to share someone else’s cancer experience: Often when we hear about a new diagnosis of cancer, we want to share stories of other loved ones who have had a similar diagnosis. And though it’s well-meaning, it’s not always helpful. “I don’t think people necessarily appreciate all the stories of that ‘one friend’s cousin’s brother’ you knew who got through cancer. People don’t always want to hear about other people’s experiences, and that can be surprising to people who want to be supportive,” explains Jean-Louis. She recommends asking if they want to hear about another person’s cancer journey before sharing it.
   
   
3. Be specific with offers of help: Asking for help is hard for a lot of people, particularly when they’re feeling physically vulnerable. Rather than vague offers, suggest practical ways you can assist, making it easier for them to accept support. Jean-Louis says, "Be specific. For instance, if you know someone has a lot of plants, offer to water them every Wednesday. Take on the emotional labor of considering what would truly be helpful.”

More examples of ways to be present:

• Drive your loved one to appointments.
• Stay with them and keep them company during treatments such as chemotherapy.
• Keep inviting them to participate in things so they have the option when they’re feeling good.
• More ideas on how to be present for cancer patients.

Navigating conversations with understanding and support will help both the cancer patient and their loved ones. Maintaining an open line of communication through a cancer journey can even strengthen relationships. “Respecting that person’s communication style and preferences will help create meaningful connections for those facing cancer and their support team,” concludes Jean-Louis.

Learn more about Sentara Cancer Care in your region and explore our available cancer support options.